The Lost Moment - HyogaxShun

The Lost Memory:

Part I: The Ugly Duckling

Hyoga stared out into the desert's barren landscape. Bleak though it was, he found it oddly calming-it had a soothing quality on his nerves. If there was a time that he needed to feel calm, it was now. With thousands-no, millions-controversial thoughts circling through his mind, he neede a place of escape-a place to bring it all together and for everything to make sense.
    He watched the night winds shift the now palely illuminated sand. It felt bizarre-it was a different kind of desolate in comparison to what he was accustomed to.
    He pulled his tattered blanket of tarp around him, hoping that it would warm him somewhat more. Common sense and experience told him that it would not. It was the thought of it possibly making him warmer that comforted him, though.
    He heard rustling from behind him and, instinctively, turned around rigidly. It was Shun.
    "You're awake too?" Shun asked him quietly. It was rhetorical. Hyoga nodded anyway. Shun smiled at him. "Do you often wake abruptly in the night?"
    Hyoga shrugged, turning back to face the desert. "I like this scenery," he replied.
    Shun nodded his head, still smiling. "It's hauntingly beautiful," he breathed as though he was taking in the view as well. It was lovely, Hyoga had to admit, but he had not wanted to be interrupted. Sensing this, Shun added, "I'm sorry for intruding." But, he said nothing to suggest that he would return to his slumber. So, the two were left there, sitting awkwardly with sheets of tarp wrapped around themselves. Shun had, wisely, brought his own sheet.
    Hyoga stole a quick glance at Shun before facing the sand again. This time, he was staring at his sandal-clad feet. "I'm not used to the desert heat," he said, thinking it best to strike up a conversation.
    "The nights are cool, though." Shun pointed out, not looking in Hyoga's direction. He hadn't missed the look Hyoga had given him earlier though.
    Hyoga felt a smile ease onto his face. "I grew up in much colder temperatures." He was comfortable with Shun's presence.
    "I see," said Shun and neither of them said anything more, caught in the warm silence of mutual admiration for the surrounding desert.
    It was Hyoga who interrupted the silence first.
    "It's nice," he said. Shun agreed, though he did not know what he was agreeing to-presumably, Hyoga had been referring to the desert.
    Hyoga cast a sideling, forlorn look in Shun's direction, taking in an entirely new view-a view of Shun. If Shun noticed, he didn't mind.
    Shun was lovely, Hyoga admitted to himself with a mental sigh, with his green hair billowing slightly in time with the breeze and green eyes entranced by seemingly endless sand around them. Them-Hyoga clung onto that word.
    Hyoga stared intensely as Shun brushed a lock of hair behind his ear. This Shun was wonderful-in every aspect. He was physically attractive, if not slightly more on the feminine side. The thought that Shun would potentially strangle Hyoga if he was to ever say those things made him want to chuckle. He didn't though and, instead, went back to admiring Shun. His body, though lithe and pale, was bulit firmly, Hyoga knew, from extreme amounts of training. Shun had been training to better protect Athena-Saori-and his friends, Hyoga knew. He admired that too-Shun's selflessness. It almost made Hyoga feel guilty that he couldn't be as giving and forgiving as Shun was. Hyoga's eyes wandered to Shun's small hands that were clasping the blanket together-one holding onto the tarp, the other resting in his lap. They were soft-surprisingly soft-and without callouses, Hyoga knew from experience.
    Hyoga had admitted-to himself-ages ago that he was in love with Shun-desperately, painfully, and unrequitedly so.
    When Shun and he were alone, he thought of the possibilities-all possibilities. I would wonder if Shun could love him-if Shun would love him-the way he did. And, he hated himself for that. Shun couldn't and wouldn't. Shun was an innocent soul-far from being as tainted as Hyoga. Shun had an honest heart. Never would Shun even consider those things, Hyoga knew all too well. After all, he knew Shun.
    Hyoga knew that his love for Shun went beyond that, though. There were his secret, filthy lusts that only made him hate himself more. These were filthy lusts that he could only satisfy when he thought no one was looking, late at night when everyone had fallen fast asleep. And, Hyoga would murmur Shun's name over and over, imagining the unimaginable.
    He hated this. It made him feel disgusting that his love for Shun wasn't pure-as pure as it should have been. He felt like he was sullying Shun by even thinking such thoughts.
    He shivered visibly at the thought of this-Shun should never know these things because, surely, it would cause him only grief.
    Shun noticed Hyoga's shivering and, with concern in his voice, he asked, "Are you alright Hyoga? Are you cold?"
    Hyoga looked at him, blue eyes meeting green. He saw worry and care that only a true friend would have and guilt overran his senses-guilt, anxiety, and want. He wanted Shun so much-wanted to love him, wanted to be loved by him, wanted to tell him these painfully conflicting feelings he harboured-his own deadly secrets. It was suffocating. Hyoga couldn't find his voice in time to reply to Shun. He loved him so much. He wanted him so much.
    Hyoga no longer had control and, to his horror, it was all happening in slow motion and his body refused to obey. He had pulled Shun closer, breath ragged and eyes glassy. Shun was close-so close. He inhaled the warm aroma that always surrounded Shun-something he couldn't quite place-and lost it. No longer retaining any control, he found himself kissing Shun. It was a chaste kiss, really-there was nothing dirty, no real harmful intentions.
    Shun had been so shocked. He could feel Shun grow tense in his arms.
    It wasn't as he had hoped, but as he had expected. Shun wasn't compliant at all. Instead, he shoved Hyoga away, eliciting a scream before silencing it in case it woke the others. Shun's face was crimson and entirely flushed-completely embarrassed-and his eyebrows knit together in confusion and, or perhaps Hyoga had imagined it, even a little bit of disgust-as though asking why Hyoga had committed this, in Hyoga's eyes, ultimate betrayal.
    Hyoga opened his mouth to apologize but found nothing he could really, truly apologize for. There really was only one thing he could apologize for and the apology spilled forth from his mouth. "I'm sorry," Hyoga whispered intensely, "I hurt you, didn't I? It won't happen again." He knew that he couldn't guarantee it. "I'm so sorry, Shun-so sorry." The part he didn't add was "You must hate me now" because he didn't think he would be able to handle his statement being confirmed.
    He returned to his tent quickly, bidding Shun a silent "Goodbye" rather than a "Good night" because he knew that he had destroyed something-whatever it was-between them; the trust would be gone forever.
    Once out of sight, Hyoga found himself trembling with anger-anger at himself for being so helpless to those feelings. He meant to hide them forever, watching and protecting Shun from the background-being the ever-faithful friend. The suppressed tears were no longer suppressed and fell from his eyes as he released a soft, anguished cry. He had ruined it-everything.
    He couldn't even protect Shun from far behind now. Shun would never allow for it-unable to trust Hyoga ever again.
    He thought of the story of the ugly duckling. The swan though he was, he could see that his story didn't have a happy ending because the ending was far cry from beautiful-he was far from beautiful; he was anything but-because, now, Shun knew. Shun would hate him. Hyoga would never love another again-never as much, never in the same manner.
    Hyoga would lose another loved one-and he was truly to blame, this time.
    "Shun," he murmured as, slowly, he found himself victim to stress-driven slumber.

Part II: Bound by Chains

Hyoga was long gone now. It had all felt so surreal. Shun raised his hand to touch his lips. Hyoga had kissed him. Hyoga had kissed Shun. Even after having repeated it incessantly in his head, Shun couldn't believe it.
    His heart swelled.
    But, then, he thought of the remorse in Hyoga's eyes-the regret. Hyoga hadn't wanted to do it-Hyoga hadn't wanted him.
    His joy immediately disappeared.
    Of course, Hyoga never would want him. Hyoga was so simply wonderful-he could have anyone without any effort. What did Shun have to give in comparison to all of those beautiful women that approached Hyoga constantly?
    Not only had his heart deflated now, but it was sagging.
    Shun was a boy-male.
    It was times like these that made Shun regret being born male. He didn't hate being a boy, per se, but if only he had been female-if only-then, he would be free to love Hyoga-he might have even had a slight chance. But, Hyoga was nowhere near desperate enough to seek attention from another man-maybe it was the lack of other attention that had made Hyoga do that. After all, never had he seen Hyoga regret something so much in the period of time they had known each other.
    They-there would surely no longer be a "they". Hyoga would never be able to look at Shun in the same manner-it would be far too awkward. Whenever he would look at Shun, all he would see was his dirty little secret-his mistake. It made Shun feel disgusting-he had dirtied Hyoga, tainted Hyoga's perfection.
    In some sick, sadistic way, Shun was glad that Hyoga would never forget him. However, he didn't want Hyoga to remember Shun for this-he didn't want Hyoga to remember him as a mistake.
    He wanted Hyoga to love him.
    But, it would never happen.  
    Tears fell freely from Shun's eyes, the green of his eyes now glowing and shimmering from the pools of tears gathered in them.
    It was times like these that he missed Ikki. Perhaps, it was because he was accustomed to going to Ikki to cry that he felt so alone now-there was no one there for him to turn to. Surely, Hyoga wouldn't want anyone to know of this mistake either-because that was all it had been to Hyoga, a mistake. Shun knew this for sure.
    He had always admired Hyoga-pined after him. Hyoga was a graceful swan-even in the most grueling of fights. Hyoga was strong and proud even in moments where Shun could hardly raise his head, Hyoga fought through to the end. Hyoga was beautiful.
    Shun's heart ached.
    Shun could recall-memories from dark nights and fitful dreams-that his love was anything but pure. He had dreams. He had dreams that terrified him sometimes-but he wished they were real. They were dreams where Hyoga would say his name-dreams where Hyoga would make him feel like he loved him.
    His mind was caught in an endless spiral of agony.
    He wanted Hyoga so much-so badly. He wanted Hyoga to be his own. He just wanted him.
    Shun couldn't stand his disgusting lusts and wants. But, something deeper told him that he needed Hyoga too. He needed the security and the trust-he needed to feel safe in this fury of warfare. Hyoga gave him that.
    He was reminded again that he could give Hyoga nothing. He was worthless-he had nothing to offer.
    When it had all began, Hyoga had felt like a friend-close and comforting; he could count on him. When they grew closer, Hyoga felt like a brother-he could trust him with his secrets and depend on him with his life. But, then it grew and, soon, Hyoga felt like a lover-he wanted him.
    Shun felt dirty.
    He wanted to sleep-sleep and pretend nothing had ever happened between the two of them; sleep and believe that it had all just been a terrible dream. But, he clung desperately to the one moment-the kiss-and that Hyoga had initiated it. He held onto that one sliver of hope, wishing and wishing.
    Shun returned to his tent feeling world-weary and exhausted. It felt like he had lived a thousand lives over. His head was throbbing wildly and he needed rest.
    When he collapsed to his pillow again, he fell into a dreamless slumber.
    The more dreamless the better-he didn't want to remember.

Part III: Dancing Circles Around You

The next few days had been spent avoiding one another. They had done everything and anything to avoid each other-assume others' tasks, avoid eye contact; they went so far as to even hide when the other was near, pretending to be preoccupied.
    Hyoga couldn't forget Shun.
    Shun couldn't forget Hyoga.
    They both held onto memories-memories and wishes. They both wished for the best. But, the best avoided them because they avoided each other.

It was a week later that Hyoga gave up this endless game. He figured that, since he had instigated the kiss, he was the one who owed Shun an explanation-no matter how much Shun hated him, because he loved Shun.
    He had cornered Shun with words and actions, leaving him open and off guard.
    Shun had stood in his place, eyes wide and breath caught in his throat. It was Hyoga who spoke first.
    "I need to apologize properly," Hyoga told him. His eyes were alive with a fire of determination-a fire that told Shun that Hyoga had given up; he no longer had anything to lose, but the determination was driving him onwards.
    Shun was surprised-shocked.
    "I need to tell you," Hyoga went on to say. But, as he said this, his breath hitched and he was speechless. The words he had spent so long preparing vanished from his mind and were lost-nowhere to be found. He was relentless though. He started where he had planned to and spoke to Shun in a voice that held remorse, regret, but, more than that, love. "I didn't mean it." The voice inside his head told him that, no, he had. But, he needed to say this to Shun. "I want to be friends again." The voice inside his head told him that, yes, he did but, more than that, too-he wanted to be more than that. He formed his sentences carefully before they had come out; he strained out any notions of "I love you" from his mind. This was about Hyoga and Shun-zodiac saints; friends; companions-not Hyoga's wants.
    Shun's heart felt a twang of pain as though Hyoga was plucking at a harp someone had placed his heart on. It was a bittersweet feeling. They were friends again because Hyoga knew that Shun would always forgive him-always. But, they weren't anything else-it was back to being friends for them.
    Despite the ringing pain, Shun nodded. He nodded in agreement and understanding. He did not nod because he liked it but, he had expected it.
    Hyoga smiled at him. It was Shun's forgiveness that he had sought after-he had gotten it. Why did he feel unsatisfied?
    They both stood there in silence.
    Hyoga's smile faded. Shun still hadn't moved either.
    This time, Shun lost control first, though.
    "I love you" was the first thing Shun said. His mind had become an endless haze of confusion.
    Hyoga, taking it in meaning of friendship, nodded, hugging him.
    But, Shun had more to say. His mind lost grip on his tongue and the words came tumbling out. "I love you" and "I need you" poured forth from his mouth-and tears; so many tears fell from his eyes.
    A week of pent-up sorrow broke free-a lifetime of pent-up love broke free.
    Hyoga stood still, confused, shocked, mourning; time failed to pass quickly.
    "You love me?" Hyoga repeated, his voice a bare whisper.
    Shun couldn't crack a smile or even answer. Hyoga's blank state made him feel as though he had been mistaken.
    He thought he had seen want in Hyoga's eyes as well.
    Their words danced circles around each other-skipping and hopping and avoiding the truth. But, it did come out.
    Shun found the strength to nod and Hyoga found the will to smile.
    There was no "I love you, too" because Hyoga's smile was enough.
    And the moment they had thought to be lost dredged itself up from the dead. This time, it was more pleasant-but just as unforgettable.

The End.